(Via Hulu)

One of the very first scenes of the opening episode of “Arrested Development” delivers one of the most enduring and definitional lines of the entire series. Aboard the family yacht, protagonist Michael Bluth is belittling his professional magician brother, Gob, for the act he’s insisting on performing, using some wildly overpriced set piece called the Aztec Tomb.

“So,” Michael says, “this is the magic trick?”

Gob looks annoyedly over Michael’s shoulder and snaps back at him.

Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money.”

The response encompasses all of the vulgarity, immaturity, even casual misogyny of Gob’s…


The Capitol Building, in calmer times. (Wikimedia Commons)

All the way back in the summer of 2016, about a month after Donald Trump had clinched the GOP nomination for president, a video surfaced. While I can’t even begin to imagine how many things I’ve seen and forgotten since then, I doubt I’ll ever forget this. In Arizona, a 30-year-old, shirtless white man covered in tattoos screams at a group of Latinos, dispensing a handful of lazy, hateful stereotypes. That much I’d actually forgotten. …


The opposite of social distancing. (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt Alan Garrison)

The novel coronavirus COVID-19 continues to spread in the United States and more and more institutions are taking precautionary measures to avoid a more serious outbreak. Meanwhile, the only changes Major League Baseball has made to date are to discourage players from signing autographs and to close its clubhouses to reporters to limit interactions. With Opening Day just a couple weeks away, it’s past time for MLB to put the health and safety of its fans ahead of its profits and postpone Opening Day.

On Wednesday, The Wall Street Journal reported that the league was considering moving games to areas…


Former Mayor Mike Bloomberg speaking with supporters at a campaign rally at Warehouse 215 at Bentley Projects in Phoenix, Arizona. (Flickr/Gage Skidmore)

Dear Mr. Bloomberg,

If you’ve finished collecting and reaffixing your organs following Wednesday night’s disembowelment at the Democratic debate in Nevada, I’d like to offer a bit of advice. You want to help save democracy in America in 2020?

Drop out of the race and spend your money buying Sinclair Broadcasting.

Pulling the plug on Facebook — especially in light of the company’s unfathomable decision to allow false information to be published in political ads and the terrifying disinformation campaign ramping up on the platform in 2020 — would seem to be the single best thing for everyone, but that’s…


The sandwich (Twitter/@PopeyesChicken)

Perhaps you’ve heard: Popeye’s has a new chicken sandwich.

Let’s get a few things out of the way. Yes, I’ve had the sandwich, a good 10 days ago, before it became A THING (I opted for the spicy version, which just means the mayo has some cayenne pepper in it).

Yes, the sandwich is good. It’s got a very thick piece of juicy, crispy fried chicken on a well-appointed, lightly toasted brioche bun. Its pickles are briny and bright. It’s got just the right amount of sauce to provide texture and flavor without drowning everything else.

It is also just…


Our culture’s obsession over celebrity has always irked me, particularly the performative grief over the death of famous faces of no particular accomplishment, who nearly everyone publicly mourning them had never met. It always felt inauthentic, full of projection and some measure of selfishness, inserting oneself into a stranger’s tragedy.

But Friday morning, I was already up early, in the middle of another assignment, when I got the news about Anthony Bourdain. My mind went blank, my body froze. I had to go sit in my car, away from the world, for 20 minutes to keep from breaking down.

I…


For Mom

As a kid, my mom always made me feel smart. I only ever really felt stupid when I was forced to wear something I hated for a particular occasion. I suppose all kids feel this way — it’s a loss of control over one of the few agencies you have when you’re young.

I felt especially stupid putting on my starched white dress shirt, royal blue sweater vest and red tie for boys choir concerts, especially when that meant missing Little League games, wearing that uniform instead of my jersey. Those concerts were never as plentiful as they…

Noah Frank

Professional writer, amateur chef, professional-amateur adult

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